I’m fairly certain I’ve blogged about this before – so I really, really must be an idiot.
I say this, because even though people have disappointed me before, I seem not to have learned my lesson and left them alone.
In this case, though, someone started messaging me and asking me all these personal questions. We found that we share many interests. And then, he asked what I expected of my close friends. Weird, no?
Well, I chalked it up to it being 5am and answered in all honesty. I’m guessing it was brutal (but only caught up to the guy later) because we continued to talk, and the next morning, he goes “nope, don’t wanna meet you, you’re placing too much expectation on me”
Whuh?! At no point in the conversation did I say anyhting along the lines of “I expect YOU to do this and that.”
And so he got his panties in a twist over how much I expect from people, and decided to give me “some friendly advice” (at which point, I was pretty much set on writing him off – I’d not even met the guy and he was already dishing out advice?! Come on…)
It got me thinking, though – surely it’s not unreasonable to expect from people what you’re willing to give them?!
I take my decisions on the fly – and I love making choices that way. I’m one of those people who trust their gut on absolutely everything, from what to have for dinner to which person to stay away from. But sometimes, I take a step back – I detach and evaluate a situation, a person, a purchase – and that’s when the real problem begins.
Today’s conundrum is this: next year is a part of my course supposed to be spent abroad, in the country in which either of the languages I’m studying is spoken.
I can do so either by working (if I find myself a suitable job) or studying, as part of the ERASMUS scheme. And I can either go to Spain or France, or submit an exemption letter – in which case, if it is accepted, I’ll stay here and graduate a year early. So far so good, except this time, I (you guessed it!) decided to assess the situation rather than making a snap decision either way.
And that, my friends, was a major mistake.
I will lay out the pros and cons here, and here’s hoping writing my choices out will help me decide.
1. Going vs. Staying here:
The year abroad represents one language stage of the course. I’m currently Stage 5 for both, so going away will ensure I will be in Stage 7 in one of the languages upon my return, and in Stage 6 for the other (which is the minimum requirement for a language named in the title of my degree.) If I don’t go, I will have progressed to Stage 6 in both, which is still fine, but not as stellar a performance as I would hope for. Moreover, it’s supposed to be a fantastic opportunity to…well, to bugger off and gather some life experience in another culture, really. Quite frankly – been there, done that, got the t-shirt.
On the other hand, going would mean I leave a support network of people (not the least of which my partner, who I live with) behind at a time in my life when I cannot rely on my family for emotional support, purely because they’re so engrossed in personal drama and work that I highly doubt they’d have the energy to deal with my shit, and mark my words, there will be a lot of it. There always is – the harder I try to live a life as void of drama as possible, the more of it crops up literally everywhere. C’est la vie.
On top of that, if I stay, I will get to graduate a year early – which is good, considering I wasted a year already, and would much rather get my degree so I can go out in the world and work (which would help with saving money for an MA in something I’d really like to spend the rest of my life doing.)
2. Spain vs France:
This one is pretty much decided already: if I go, it would be to France, since I feel much less confident in my french than I do in spanish, and if I’m gonna spend a year abroad, it might as well make itself useful in helping me acquire knowledge and confidence, rather than affirming (and slightly building on) the knowledge and confidence I already have. So France it is!
3. Studying vs Work:
This is the main concern I have about going at all. It is true that my fees will be waived for both universities if I go to study, and I’ve already found a course in Belgium which will actually help towards my future, but I’d rather spend the year working – which, obviously, for someone who hasn’t graduated yet (and even despite the amount of experience I have and the CV I’ve built up) is practically impossible. But I do remain hopeful and I am looking.
Deadline’s the 23rd of this month, but the sooner I get this sorted, the better. Yikes…
Today, I got my admission notice to the summerschool programme at Beijing Foreign Studies University – aka the “Cradle of Diplomats.” I will be off to China at the end of this month for about 4 weeks, to improve my Chinese (and indubitably meet many people from all over the world trying to do the same thing.) Needless to say, I cannot wait!! Though I am more than a little nervous about it.
I try to remember what it felt like when I first went to a summerschool to improve my english – but as much as I look back, I can’t seem to get into the mindset. It seems amaizng that I was ever in that position! And while I can’t for the life of me figure out how I’m going to assess an environment that I don’t speak the language of as well as I’d like to, the truth of the matter is that it’s the best way to learn a language. After all, as the bulgarians say, “Necessity is the best teacher.”
As far as the lifestyle goes – well…I doubt it would be terribly different from a Catholic Boarding school full of under 18s. Except this time, I bet I’d feel much sillier – a stammering 20 year old in China. Now there’s an idea for a blog…
I will try to update this blog with a lot of pictures, if nothing else. But how often I’d be able to do that remains to be seen.
First things first, for those of you who don’t have me on FB and/or didn’t hear the news, I passed my first year with a 2.1 average. Huzzah!
Secondly, I have decided to start a micro-blog – not for pictures or sharing quotes (though that might come into it at some point) but rather to practice my Chinese. I might even do it with the other languages I speak so I don’t let my skills rust while I’m focusing on my work-related work. It’s going to be massively dificult with Chinese, though, because as much as I managed to learn this year it still feels like….well, not “like me.”
Let me explain – with every other language I speak, I bring out a different facet of my personality. That is not to say that, MPD-like, I have a different person for 8 distinct languages – more that, with every language I speak, my world view shifts through the prism of that language. It might sound odd, but to me, learning a language isn’t so much a matter of putting a set of words together in a grammatically correct structure, but more getting into the mindset of the native speaker, and seeing the world from their perspective.
With the latin and slavic languages, this comes much more naturally – I was born into one of those cultures, and grew up in the other. But Chinese? Well, that’s not so easy. So, I have decided to start writing a little bit, every day – just a couple sentences, nothing fancy – to get me in the mindset. And hopefully, if I get into this summerschool programme this summer, I will be able to do much more by the time October comes around. Fingers crossed!!
I got this micro-blog idea off this particular post on Karolinka’s blog. I’d have to say that her blog is not only entertaining and inspiring, but also very informative – so if you want to learn about Sofia, Bulgaria and the life of an American in Eastern Europe, head over there and give her blog a read.
There are a plaethora of proverbs in the world – perhaps much less than there used to be, but still far too many. I take issue with one particular proverb: Make new friends but keep the old, one is silver and the other – gold.
There are several reasons why I don’t like it: firstly, from personal experience, the old friends are the one that can backstab you a whole lot harder and deeper than anybody else, and secondly – I’m the kind of person who doesn’t give much of a damn about how long I’ve known people. If I trust somebody, it doesn’t matter if I’ve known them for five minutes or five years – if they are loyal to me, I’m loyal to them. And if not, well, I see no reason why I ought to keep them in my life. You see, I’m beginning to understand when people say there’s a reason someone’s in my past and not my present. Fact of the matter is, if we haven’t made an effort to keep each other in the loop, as it were, or if something happened to break what we have, then it wouldn’t matter if you were Bradley Cooper, the Child Empress and Don Omar rolled into one, chances are our relationship will stagnate. And yes, people do deserve a second chance, but once they’ve blown that first time, it’s never the same. In some cases, Mk II is better – but those are about as rare as me reading up on the World Wars. By and large, people get their second chance, and then fuck up again – because people will do what they do, and be what they are. If it didn’t work the first time, stubborn as I am, there’s usually a reason why things messed up – and unless both parties change in a way that would make them “gel” together (which is nigh impossible) it’s better to leave each other be. Time was when I fought for old relationships, sometimes broken, sometimes simply forgotten – but not anymore. It’s funny – I was once told I’m the last person that needed to reinvent herself by someone who I fell out with later. I was told many things to that (and similar) effect by many other people whose friendships I no longer have. Since then, I’ve made efforts towards making things right – efforts which went unnoticed and/or unreciprocated, on all fronts. Thus, I’ll have to say that those who don’t reciprocate just don’t deserve to know me. But of those who do, I’m sorry – I *do* hold people to high standards, but I expect of them what I expect of myself, nothing more. If that’s too much, anyone is welcome to leave. If not, don’t butch and moan about it – simple as that.
And no, before those of you who know me in person start sending concerned messages asking who this is directed to, it’s not about anyone in particular – just those who are in the past, and not my present.
…or “Translating Under the Influnece,” is something I apparently enjoy. Because right now, I am translating, and I am five homemade, Bacardi-heavy cocktails down the road. It doesn’t appear to be a sensible course of action – but then again, nothing I’ve done lately seems like it’ll ever be considered “sensible” so I might as well let go of that notion – but it actually makes my job easier, crazy though it might seem. Still, while the room is kinda spinning, my thoughts and words flow, and somehow fit the text I’m mean to to conveying – so I won’t complain.
I do think it’s somewhat sad, though, that while I am at home, apparently getting drunk off my own inventions (Bacardi + Coke + a mint tea bag, anyone?) and doing what I’m supposed to be doing, there are others out there who don’t have that luxury. They don’t have a job, a source of food, a place to stay. And I do. And I’m abusing it. It’s a rather odd sense of guilt, that. And I’m not entirely sure I ought to be feeling it. But that’s another story best left to another, less spinning day (or night.)
The point of this post was that I’m surprised that somethign so simple as a homemade cocktail can help so much with a job that basically requires eloquence and sound mind. I wonder if all translators/interpreters have a drink or two before their slots start, just to get their thoughts flowing? Cos it sure as hell unknotted my tongue, apparently.
It’s days like these that I fall into a particularly nostalgic mindframe.But I guess that much is to be expected. At least I’m at home, and not likely to wind up in a ditch somewhere, or in the bed of someone I don’t know the morning after. *Phew*
Ever been annoyed for no reason, and had one tiny little thing push you over the edge and plunge you into an inexplicable, irrational anger? Ever had that happen in a normal day – one spent revising, as I was – completely uneventful, until it all came crashing down? That’s why I sometimes find myself hating people. Not one particular person – everyone. At least I don’t discriminate…failed attempt at lightening the mood.
Today is one of those days. The days when anger is dormant, but you can feel it, right under the calm demeanour. And then someone comes along with a light-hearted jibe at something – anything, no matter how small – and off I go, spiralling into a deep pit of seething acidity. I threw snide remarks left, right and centre, I chided, I sulked, I put it into song lyrics – the works. And it’s still not better.
Time was when I’d punch, or scream, or find something to destroy. But now I am reduced to a forced decorum and petty insults.
I think what frustrates me most is that I don’t know why I’m angry. I just am, goddamn it.
This is where I’d try to detach, to analyse the cause of all this, and try to figure out how to deal with it. That’s the sensible course of action. But for once, I’ll behave not as an adult, but as a surly teenager. Because today, I can afford to do just that – to throw caution to the wind and just revel in an emotion. Not sure how healthy that is in the long run, but for now, I just want to indulge myself.
I’ve often been seen as a bit of a loner. This is probably not a surprise to those who have known me for a while. I’ve made more of an effort this year, and it might pay off in the long run. But what still niggles me is that I was seen as quite…standoffish. And often considered heartless, which I certainly am not. My past has made me who I am today, and it was that past that perhaps made me keep at a distance from people, by and large. As a result, my loyalty lay with me, with my work, my goals, my aspirations. Or rather, those of the people who shaped me as a person.
What I object to here isn’t what I was thought of, oh no. I care very little about that. And probably always will care little. I object to the fact that it was perceived as “bad.” I have never, to my mind at least, been self-centered. But always self-serving. I held no-one above my aims. I respected many, and cared for many. But my schoolwork, my horseriding, my books – these always came first, regardless of how I felt about anything or anyone.
I don’t see why this is “wrong.” I worked hard, I cared a lot, I sacrificed even more, to get to where I am now. And I don’t see why I should’ve chosen a different path. It was what I wanted and aimed for. And I am loyal to me. That’s not to say I am loyal to no-one else, not anymore. But my work still prevails, regardless of anything.
Everyone keeps harping on about how important people and relationships are. But does that render hard work meaningless? Does it mean that people should strive to make as many connections as possible before they die? I think not. I’d much rather leave behind something else – something…if not tangible, then at the very least inspiring. Not a facebook profile with 5000+ “friends” on it. What good would that do? People won’t remember me for that. But they will if I make a difference to the world. But how can I do that, if my main concern lies, as I am told it should, in “making connections and building relationships?” No doubt they are useful, and no man is an island (as much as it pains me to admit it…) but I don’t like that relationships have been put on a pedestal. I understand, of course, that people progress based less on what they know and more on who they are “tight” with – and that’s fair enough. Regrettable, but too big for a single person to tackle. However, where does this leave loyalty?
I think it’s very complex, this world we live in. We have to be careful, every day, of what we say to whom, how we say things that might offend people, what to omit and what to let on that we know. We have to be careful not to anger our superiors and get on with our inferiors, we have to treat with kindness those less fortunate than us, we have to keep our heads down in front of the law, the state, the authority. We have to dance so many steps in our everyday lives, just to keep from “rocking the boat.” To please everyone and still work towards your own goals – I’ve yet to find a balance between those two. But I don’t think I want to. It was never in my nature to keep doing it. They tried to keep me down, to keep me listening to them. But I found my way around that. They tried again, and even now, they try. But it won’t work. Not anymore.
I’ve never really been a “popular” kind of girl – I was the quiet kid with the book in hand 24/7. But what I’ve always tried to do is help people – close friends or not – in whatever way I could. And when I was back in school, college or whatever, people would always say “oh whatever will I do when you’re gone?!” but then, shortly after I’d leave, they’d all forget me. Nobody would call or text randomly just to say hi, nobody would bother to ask how I’m doing.
This, I’m afraid to say, has not changed much here at uni. It doesn’t matter how much I help someone – I’m still not their friend, I’m still not someone they remember, unless they need a favour or some other kind of help. It just makes me wonder, will this world remember me at all? Would the people I’ve helped ever stop in their tracks, and ask if maybe I need help?
I once broke down – several years ago now – and asked this of someone I was relatively close to. And they looked at me like it was the first time they’d seen me, and said “But you never have any problems!!! You’ve got everything in your life under control, you don’t need help!”
It dawned on me then, that I just haven’t shown people some of the crap that was going on. And I didn’t intend to, and nor do I intend to now. I do not like proudly carrying my weaknesses for the world to see – and it is true that I try to deal with my own crap in my own time rather than dumping my problems on others. But is that really a reason for people to completely forget me after I’d “saved their life” with my help?
Is it really so goddamn difficult to pick up the phone just to say hi – to put a smile on my face for a change?
I’m tired of being an Atlas in my own microcosm. Will the world forget me so easily when I’m gone?
Right, in the second (and most likely last of the lot, unless I can find any others!) music-themed post, it’s 30-Day-Musical-Theatre-Song-Challenge, and seeing as I’m a massive musical fan, this one’s pretty easy. Here we go:
1. From your first musical: The Lion King, while on summer school in England for the first time in my life: The Lion King – Circle of Life
2. From your latest musical obsession: Defintely RENT! RENT – Tango Maureen
3. Demonstrating how underrated you think a musical is: I really think they should’ve given Zorro more of a chance. It was amazing. Especially this song: Zorro – Falling
4. Demonstrating how overrated you think a musical is: Oh, good God, it’s got to be this…Legally Blonde – OhMyGod, you guys!
5. Which makes you happy: LOTR – The Road Goes On – it always excites me, as if I’m really leaving on an adventure!
6. Which makes you sad/teary: The Lion King again – Endless Night
7. Sung by your favourite female singer in a musical: Oh, oh, I know!! It’s Elena Roger, singing Buenos Aires as the star of EVITA!
8. Sung by your favourite male singer in a musical: Not strictly a musical actor, but still an amazing performace: Antonio Banderas (and Sarah Brightman) – The Phantom of the Opera
9. From the musical you know all (or nearly all) the lines to: Hmmm. Hard to pick just one, but this one I’ve known all the words to the longest – Mary Poppins – Chim Chim Cher-ee Duet.
10. From your least favourite musical: I don’t know what exactly it is about “High Society” that pisses me off, but there is something. Anyway, here it is: High Society – You’re Sensational
11. From the musical which made the most impact on you: Les Miserables, no question about that. Exquisitely beautiful, both the book and the musical (and the Gerard Depardieu version of the film!) Les Mis – On My Own
12. You could listen to all day: The Sound of Music – Maria
13. From the musical you loved from hearing the first note: The Sound of Music – My favourite things
14. From the musical you haven’t listened to (or seen) in a while: WWRY – Killer Queen
15. By your favourite musical composer: That’ll be Andrew Lloyed Webber’s Phantom of the Opera – Wandering Child (Wishing you were somehow here again)
16. From your least favourite musical, by your favourite composer: Song and Dance – Tell me on a Sunday
17. With the best music: That’s Bride and Prejudice – I love the Indian culture, so have a supercolourful song! Bale Bale (Teasing song)
18. With the best lyrics: RENT – No Day but Today Forget regret, or life is yours to miss…
19. From a musical which disappointed you: I dunno, something about it just didn’t fit. Spring Awakening – The Bitch of Living
20. From your ‘guilty pleasure’ musical.
21. Which inspires you: Sound of Music – Climb every mountain
22. From the musical you wish was NEVER made into a movie: Mamma Mia – SOS, and here’s why; Pierce Brosnan? Great as James Bond, but just not meant to be a singer.
23. From the musical which everyone should see performed live: Billy Elliot – The Letter
24. Which makes you laugh: Try and keep the grin off my face when watching this! JATD – Stone the Crows
25. Which is your current favourite: JATD, The FILM fersion – as sexy as Lee Mead is, Donny Osmond is even better for the role. And this song is hillarious. JATD – Potiphar
26. Sung by the character in a musical you can most relate to: Wicked’s Elphaba – Defying Gravity
27. From a musical you’d love to see featuring/starring all your favourite performers: I would love to see Chicago starring Idina Menzel and Elena Roger (and Matt Rowle!) – All I care about
28. Sung by the musical character that’s so bad/cruel/evil (etc.) you love them OR Sung by the musical character you love to hate: I love to hate Glinda. (Plus Kristine’s voice annoys me) So here it is – Popular
29. From the musical you would love to be involved in (directing, singing, etc.). – Not specifically the french version I’ve linked to, but Zorro – the Musical is something I’d greatly enjoy being in! Zorro – Bamboleo
30. From your favourite musical: I suppose the “of all time” for me is Bride and Prejudice – not strictly a stage musical, but a musical none the less. Bride and Prejudice – Take me to love
Here we are. Thirty more songs for your enjoyment!
